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I Was Feeling Sad

So you’re probably in a place where you’re not sure who to trust. And who am I? I’m nobody. I’m sitting in front of you and telling you a story about how I used to be. And who are you to believe that? Cause seriously you get told stories every day. And people tell you stuff everyday and say this is how I used to be or try to spin the story but all I can say is that I was there and it took a long time for somebody to come along who said to me the thing that made a difference to me.

I don’t know what the thing is that you need to hear for it to make a difference to you and I don’t. I can only hope that somebody comes along and says that. Because if they can help you to be the best you wanna be, and do the things you wanna do and when you think about why you’re sitting on the couch and what’s the thing you’re hiding from, why you’re hiding from life? Cause it’s out there to be lived.

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When I was fat I was sitting around a lot at home and not doing very much. I’d just spend my time in front of the TV or reading magazines and feeling really bad about the fact that I don’t look like those girls and do that stuff. But I’d just deny it and have something to eat or make something, bake stuff for other people cause they love it, and you get to eat as well. And feel good and escape from the fact that maybe you don’t like the way that you look in the mirror.

I didn’t have any energy and I didn’t feel like doing anything. I didn’t feel like going out and I’d stay at home. I didn’t have many friends. I didn’t like wearing normal clothes. I’d just wear comfy things. I just did stuff that felt right. That felt good. That didn’t feel… like I would stand out. I didn’t want to stand out. I just wanted to disasppear into the background and I did that by eating and… staying at home and… just hiding away and… Imagining that maybe someway my life would be different.

Every day was hard. Every day was hard. I’d wake in my job. And I’d do good stuff and people loved it. But I’d go in the backroom and I’d cry. A lot. And I wasn’t okay with that. And I hid away from people. And nobody understood why, like I’d be so happy on the outside and so good with people but inside it wasn’t like that. Inside I was scared and I was alone and I didn’t know what I was doing. Ever.

I didn’t know what I was doing in my job, I didn’t know what I was doing in my life. I was just cruising and doing what I thought everyone else expected of me.

I was overweight and I was sad for 15 years and then… then I had enough. So I listened to the one person that said that there was a way that I could be not sad. Didn’t promise me that I’d be happy. Just promised that I’d be not as sad. So I did every single thing that that person told me to do. And it wasn’t easy cause I had to face some stuff I didn’t really wanna face. But even though it wasn’t easy, it was worth it. And the more stuff you face the better it gets.

And now I am more positive than negative. Now I have people in my life that help me to see how magnificent life is. And I know how to tap into that place inside me that is happy and that is centered and that is funny and has fun and is cool. But I do that myself. I have other people that help me, but I don’t need them. They’re just good fun to be around.

“Now I know that it’s not external things that give me the feelings I want to have. I know that I have it inside me and I can have that any time..”

I can choose to be happy in like a second, in a heartbeat. I can choose to be whatever I choose to be. I can choose to love and to have fun. Before the future was like same and dark and all that whereas now it’s like well I’ve got so much to do and I got too much to do. I got way too much to do. I have no problem with having fun with friends or having stuff to do. I have a problem with time now. I want to do heaps of stuff for the next eighty years. That’s just a matter of doing it. So now I get up everyday and I go do it. I go do the things that I know that I can do to be the best that I can be in business. To be the best I can be in my personal life, my relationships, in everything I’m doing. And I’m always trying to be the best I can be, I guess. So I can be a better example to people. So I can be a better leader for my family, for myself, for my friends.

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