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I Had Lost Hope

Actually, I never knew what life was about when I was younger. I just wanted to have fun by laughing, playing, being a ‘tomboy,’ as I was called so unmistakably, in my younger days. Growing up was super fun; so I thought at that time…

Gradually, life became more difficult for me after I turned 13. Things happened to me and although life went on, I just kept myself happy and enjoyed life with my friends, despite the constant challenges. All I’d ever wanted to be was a nurse and a mother, and I had achieved both of these by the time I was only 21. I started nursing at the age of 17, met my husband at 18 and so by the time I finished my degree, I was married and pregnant. Yes…everything that I’d ever wanted. The only thing I didn’t want – was an abusive husband, which was what I ended up with. This was truly an unfortunate cycle, that diminished me, in ways I never thought were even possible.

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I would try to ‘laugh off’ his abuse, and ignore or forgive him for the physical abuse. I did this so many times. Over and over I did it. Forgiving him every time; excusing it, allowing it to happen, again and again. My father always said I had ‘rose colored glasses’ on – and I truly never saw the bad side in anyone. That was me. I loved being a nurse and I loved being a mother. As time went on, I had four children. These were infact, the best achievements in my life, other than becoming a Registered Nurse. So, within a period of thirteen years I’d achieved everything I had ever wanted in my life.

Time continued on, so very quickly. And as the kids grew up, more and more abuse was dealt my way, all the time; on a daily basis. I felt undeniably, fatigued and worn out. After fourteen years of marriage, I separated from my abusive husband. I took all of my children with me. I left with a car full of petrol, some clothes for us all in a plastic bag, and only $20.00 in my purse. I drove for three hours to… a satisfactory safety.

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Eventually, my eldest son went back to his father; then two years later, my five-year-old went to live with his father too, because he missed his big brother so very much. This was the beginning of my feelings of total hopelessness. My husband had a way of controlling my life and punishing me – even when we were apart. He manipulated the whole situation with my children, and bought them gifts and money, which was something I couldn’t do or give them at that time. He was unbelievably, relentless.

Ten years passed, and so much pain was experienced, although I still had the knack of seeing life through somewhat heavenly, rose colored glasses. In many ways, life was easier, and in many ways my life was also a constant hell. The light and dark, the good, the evil; all of it together, in my life. So very unrelentlessly, real.

I had a couple of short relationships over the subsequent ten years, but they were just as deceptive and very, very painful. These wore me down quite a bit; mainly because my children got hurt and because I couldn’t believe I had attracted the same type of abusive men into my life. Before I left the last man, I actually became very strong within myself, and so I decided that I would leave town and never get involved with men again, ever! During this ten-year period, I had become depressed, melancholy, and I found myself feeling hopeless on many occasions.

What people are saying about Emotion Academy:

"After many years of training, courses, and counselling in various forms I thought I had certain aspects of my life sorted. Yet completing Emotion Academy showed me that I had been running away from my emotions and not facing them. After Emotion Academy, now I have the tools to engage with myself and win the internal battles once and for all - Neil Welsh, Victoria

My younger brother was married to a woman who was very controlling, and quite verbally abusive to my brother. I had an older sister who had spent most of her life disliking me. So I always felt disconnected to my family. So, everyone: my sister, my brother and his wife, and my ex-husband would group together and put me down for being divorced. I ended up being very alone and separated from my family. I was both isolated and sad at the same time.

I cared for my mother after my father took his own life. And as my brother and sister didn’t take any notice of my mother, I just felt that I personally, would hate to get to the age of seventy, and have my children hate me. Unfortunately, (or fortunately), the more I cared for mother, the more my brother and sister disliked me. I had endured a lot of emotional pain from all of this, and I just felt so hopeless again, over and over. It was truly a devastating set of circumstances.

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Melisa Grigg - Head Coach & Trainer

Melisa was stuck in sadness for 15 years, hated her job, was overweight and her relationship had just ended. Melisa inspires people with her story and now teaches how she sorted her life out. She worked out how to be happy and how to lose over 30kg of body weight.  In simple steps she teaches how you can stop procrastinating, find confidence, stop being so sad and finally start to find true meaning and purpose in your life.

Over a period of three years thereafter: my brother died, my friend died, my daughter had been diagnosed with cancer, my mother in law died. And then finally my mother died. And… life fell apart for me. I had organized funerals for both mothers, and at my mother’s funeral; my sister, her husband, her children, my aunty and uncle – all walked straight past me like I didn’t even exist… By this time, I had not an ounce of physical or emotional energy left in me. I had lost all hope of ever wanting to be alive in this world, ever again. My rose coloured glasses had fallen off and smashed. They were in a million tiny pieces, and no-one would be able to join them together again…of this I was so absolutely sure of, now.

Later in my life, and even though I had met and married the most wonderful man in the world… I still felt so hopeless about myself and my relationships with people, other than my devoted husband. And after my mother’s funeral, I put myself to bed and didn’t want to get out again. Life had finally beaten me. It was all too hard to face, so hopeless now, I was gone. Really, truly gone. The light of my soul was dimmed out. I was in a pit of darkness; swallowed by grief and sadness beyond measure. It was too real for me.

About 12 months after I went to bed, I got up, and went to a weekend course about finding myself again. I don’t remember much about the course, other than my inner being knew that I had to be there. I had to go. I can’t really explain why, I just needed to… I could see that this was the only hope I had in finding myself again. It was the start of my ‘new’ life…

My journey is still, even now, very difficult. And it doesn’t take much to knock me down – although I have learned new ways of picking myself up – and so I continue to grow again. I have a renewed sense of hope once again in my life. I feel I can live again, through the darkness of it all.

I have been growing for four years now, since I did that unbelievable weekend course. And I just keep going back to help out at the courses. I truly need this…and I’ve always loved being with people, and I certainly get the opportunity to meet new people and help them out. Being there to help people find hope in their lives is truly amazing, to say the least.

I go back every time and face my own uncomfortable feelings, and I also continue to grow within myself; back into that happy, fun loving, laughing, caring person I know that I am…despite my past circumstances, grief and sad times.

I now continue to move forward in love; in light…and so it is.

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