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I don’t remember exactly when it happened, probably because it was a little at a time and it was such a long time ago now that it feels like I’ve always had that internal commentary telling me that I’m doing it wrong, that I don’t say the right thing, that I don’t fit in, that I’m forgetful or lazy or shy or sad.
I Used To Be Confident
It was shocking to me when I was sitting with my mum for breakfast recently and we started talking about my childhood.
I grew up feeling the slight pressure of expectations. My parents did the best they could and wanted the best for me. I was lucky I guess, growing up with loving parents and a younger brother I admired. My interpretation of them wanting the best opportunities for me was that I needed to do well academically at school. I was OK. I wasn’t at the top of the class and I wasn’t failing, I got by.
At the bottom of my grandparents driveway was an old gumtree, I’m not sure how old, old enough to have massive branches that my brother and I could climb. The best thing was that the tree had a couple of long thick branches growing low and parallel to the ground. We could sit on them, build a treehouse, and use it as a launchpad for exploring the higher branches.
If my brother and I weren’t exploring the gumtree we’d be checking out grandpas’ worm farm,
I’d grown up being called ‘sensitive’ by my parents and teachers. At school other kids didn’t know how to connect with me. I was shy so they either included me or excluded me depending on their mood at the time. I learnt that when I made a friend, at any time, that friendship could end for what seemed like no reason at all. I learned how to put on a mask, one that showed ‘I’m Ok’,
Growing up I always wanted to fit in, I got so good at adapting to situations that it was all I did and I felt like the real me was lost. I was shy so would put on a confident mask in social situations, when I was invited to a party or go to a wedding or social function. I’d put on my ‘get it done’ mask for going to work, I remember saying to myself again and again,
Happiness is not a future goal for someone to aim for. It’s also not something you achieve and then you’re set for life. Life has ups and downs which can lead you to have moments of happiness, sadness and everything in between.
By chasing happiness, you’ll never get there because it’s about the process. Have you ever been having a bad day and something so simple just changes it? It could be the sound of a child laughing,
I’m sick of always doing things for everyone else, when is it my turn?
There’s not enough time for dating. I’m too busy to eat healthy food, it takes so long to prepare. I feel like I hardly get to spend time with my partner or kids because I’m always tired from rushing around. Work is so busy, I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I feel like I’m always playing catch-up. Fun?
It took me years to realise that my life wasn’t where I thought it would be. How had I gone so far off track? My relationships weren’t getting better, in actuality they had probably started to plateau, or worse, go backwards. My health was so far from where I wanted it to be I struggled to consider how to get it back on track. My career looked good from the outside, a successful ‘dream job’ running a restaurant that was winning a lot of awards.
I thought discipline was a dirty word. It’s what happened when I did the wrong thing as a kid ‘when you get disciplined’ and told off… Ugh… It seemed hard to stick at things sometimes (ok, so I used to think it was hard to stick at things all the time!). I had bad habits, things that I did that were unhealthy in my relationship, in my career and in my health. I’d overthink them and tell myself that I would change them tomorrow,
Can you remember a time when you were really little? Maybe you were 3 or 4 years old. You had simple needs. You just wanted to play and have others play with you. You wanted some comfort and to feel loved and cared for. I liked climbing trees and playing dress ups. I also liked eating strawberry ice-cream and I really didn’t like being tickled. I didn’t really notice if I was naked or had clothes on,